May 28th, 2017
It’s getting late and we are getting ready to leave the party. We just had an amazing time with family and this was just what I needed to forget the panic attack that I had earlier in the day. My eyes were still swollen from the tears, but you convinced me not to stay home.
I get onto the driver’s seat as you buckle in next to me.
My anxiety picks up a little, knowing that the drive will be longer than usual.
I mentally remind myself,
“You’ve driven this far before and nothing bad happened. You’ll be fine.”
A few minutes pass and there is complete silence in the car. I don’t like silence while driving because it gives my brain the opportunity to bring up negative thoughts.
“If I fuck up right now, it’ll all be my fault…”
My breathing starts feeling heavy and I reach out for your hand.
You notice my hand is sweaty, so you start rubbing my arm to comfort me.
“Shit, I can’t breathe. I’m losing control.”
You try to start a conversation, but I can barely respond.
I stay silent until I finally find the courage to tell you how I really feel.
“Babe, I’m freaking out. I need to pull over!”
I start switching lanes, getting ready to exit the freeway.
You tell me to do what I need to do and you allow me to squeeze your hand tightly, without any complaints.
Your calmness gives me comfort and I begin feeling angry at the thought of allowing my anxiety to win again.
“I can do this. I can’t give up on myself. I want to be proud. I want to make him proud.”
My stubbornness prevents me from taking the exit.
But moments later, I start regretting it.
“This drive is so long. Will it ever end?”
You start to talk again, but I’m still distracted.
“I can’t get near cars. What if I cause an accident?”
Suddenly, I notice your glare and you remind me that I am not alone.
You let go of my hand and start rubbing the back of my neck.
My body stops trembling as you continuously tell me that everything will be ok.
We finally reach our exit and I take a moment to look at you.
“I love your patience”
I kiss your hand and you kiss mine back.
We made it home safely.